New Website is Launched

Hello there,

My new website is up and running, you can check it out at www.bellavendramini.com 

I haven't done anything on this blog for a couple of years (how time flies) so I'm going to write one now...

Thought for the day...

Don't Define Yourself By 'Normal'

I did a play a few years ago and I met some spankers. Yep you heard it, spankers. They were into spanking. They met regularly and spanked each other for sexual gratification. As one does.

Now, the main thing I noticed about them wasn't (only) the red hand-prints on their extremities, but interestingly, an all pervading sense of satisfaction, happiness.

They weren't guilty about their interest in the art of spanking and they were not apologetic about it. Perhaps because they had found a group of like minded people who they drew support from.

In Costa Rica I met a man who had a foot fetish. As one does. And he was apologetic about it, ashamed, disgusted with himself even. He drunkenly confessed it to a group of us one evening and they too, were pretty off-put.

The difference between the spankers and the foot fetish-er was not the 'abnormality' - the difference was how they felt about themselves and their 'abnormality'. The foot guy didn't like who he was and was unhappy, the spankers liked themselves and were happy.

And this is so for everything, not just a person's sexual predilection, it matters everywhere.

Most of us want to fit in. It's natural, a desire to fit in with the group is healthy. But our society has taken that a little too far. We often become defined by it. We rid ourselves of perceived 'abnormalities' or at least hide them very well, to fit in with the status quo. We are ashamed of our differences. We hide them, delete them, wrap them up in newspaper and throw them in the trash.

But the issue here, is that when you deny any one part of yourself, you lose sight of who you are.

And that's where the problem lies.

Because you cannot be happy when you aren't being yourself. It's unfortunate and not very convenient – but the absolute undeniable truth. Happiness is only found when you are being yourself. In all your weird and wonderful glory. Being yourself and accepting yourself.

It's ironic that I was quite impressed by the spankers. That's a sentence you don't write everyday. But I was, I mean the thought of my bottom being pummelled is not one I take to too readily, but nevertheless, I was impressed with the fact that they had enough courage to enact things they liked, enough courage to seek out other like minded people and enough courage to be who they were.

So whatever your 'abnormality' – accept it and embrace it, because by doing so you are accepting and embracing yourself.  

What happens in the darkness of night?

It's funny, at night, a darkness comes, and not it's not just the sun dropping off, it's a darkness inside of you that comes out. Not 'darkness' in a Darth Vader, Donnie Darko sort of way – but something that is obscured, doesn't have light or transparency, something that is not usually discernible in day light hours.

Inside this place are ideas and fears. They are the lurking ones, both negative and positive that sit inside you during the day and come out when the sun goes down. It's the depth of your sub conscious. Your private fantasies, your hidden, often delicious little secrets. Sometimes, your worries growing and gaining strength.

My mind wanders inside to this place and I discover stuff that I didn't know about myself. Curious dreams and little thoughts that either bud into the light and into action, or softly settle back into the darkness from where they came.

It's the breeding ground I guess. The place where things start, germinate into ideas or actions.

Usually this sub-conscious garden bed is just that, sub-conscious. Like the workings of a dog's mind, I usually don't have much of an idea of what goes on in there. I just get the end result – a thought develops and I 'get it' or I end up 'doing' something and have no idea why.

So it's interesting once in a while to wait for the sun to go down and watch the darkness inside you grow clearer.

I think we need to take the time to occasionally have a look at what's growing in there. What thoughts or ideas we've had, what experiences are growing small seedlings in our darkness, adapting and developing, gaining momentum to sprout and come into the daylight hours to catch us unawares. 

Find What You're Looking For

"yeah that is true hey, but the problem is am still searching for what I really want to do and im afraid I will not find it." - reader.

Discovering what you want to do in life is about discovering two things -

1. What you like

2. What you're good at

I mean I'd like to dangle in space and breathe oxygen through a tube and drive a space shuttle into foreign galaxies - but that probably ain't gonna happen; my math skills are in a swamp somewhere in the planet Xursies and I don't like aliens.

I'm good at smoking cigarettes and drinking Cosmopolitans - quite good in fact - but I don't actually want to make that my career (although some less than kind people have said I already do.)

It has to be a combination of the two. It's about discovering something that you're good at and that you like doing. And if you get down to the bones of it, they are one in the same thing.

A lot of discovering what you want to do - is about knowing yourself. You see how older people are so specific? They like things in a very certain way - the toast buttered with just that right amount, a house looking a particular way - because they, over the years, have gotten to know themselves.

When you're young, you don't know what makes you tick yet. You haven't had enough experiences in life. You haven't made enough mistakes. So it follows that you're not exactly sure who you are. Or therefore what you want to do in life. It's normal. It's what most people experience.

So part of the process of finding out what you want to do in life, is discovering who you are as a person. But don't panic, it's not a race. The goal is happiness, not anything else.

My mom did so many jobs throughout her life (one of which was getting to know herself) and at 40 she discovered what she'd always secretly known – she wanted to write books - and she became successful at it.


My dad did the same amount of jobs and at 50 he discovered he wanted to be an evolutionary biologist and he became successful at that too.

But they didn't wait around twiddling their thumbs while they waited. They lived. They really lived. They dreamed and planned and made mistakes and won battles. They got to know the world around them and the world inside them. And it worked. 

And right there the smack-bang-in-the-middle of it all  answer;

While you're waiting to discover what you want to do, get busy getting to know yourself, get busy enjoying life … and get busy doing exactly what you want to do now.


It sounds like a contradiction in terms (and slightly ironic), but there you have it. It's the undeniable blazing truth.

And its a double whammy because it takes the pressure off too right?


Do what you want to do now, whatever it is.  If you want to travel, or learn about planets at college, if you want to work in a bar because you like the music, if you want to have a romance or play with your dog – do it. Trust yourself, that as you live, you will discover who you are , and in turn will discover what you want to do. The trick is doing what you want to do now.


Because that is the only way you'll know what you want to do in your future.

The solution won't come to you overnight or in a dream. No magical being will come down from the heavens and tell you what your calling is – you have to go out there and find it – and you do that by living life. Enjoying living. Doing things you like now, things that interest you. Travelling, experiencing, getting into romances, getting out of romances, testing your parameters, skinny dipping, challenging yourself to experience new things – and most importantly, having fun with it.

The world is a very exciting place, there's a lot to see and do and experience – jump into it now – don't worry too much – because the truth will come out of you and the answer will come. If you let it.

Good luck xB

Do What You Want To Do.

There are so many options in life, it's a little scary. If you lose 'I can't do that' from your vocabulary then this sudden, glorious world opens up to you. It's huge and immense, scary in a way. Perhaps that's why we like 'I can't do that' – it lessens that fear, it gives us boarders and parameters to live by. 

But what if the world suddenly opened up and you could do anything you wanted to? What if?

The reality is, is that the world is like that. There are too many stories of a physician becoming a movie star, or a welder becoming a sports star, of a stay at home mom becoming a tightrope walker, for it not to be true. We all know that 'when you follow your dreams' good things come.

But what does that actually mean?

I think we have to understand that there are false dreams and real dreams. Any of us would want to be a famous movie star or a revered politician. Who wouldn't? But is it what you really want?

Each of us have highly specific dreams. Often buried under a lifetime of 'I can't do that' – if you manage to get down to what it is that you really want. Not what you spouse or parents or children or workmates or classmates want – what you want – then that big immense world we talked about – is yours.

You see those people that ring with happiness. I don't mean a false broad smiled greeting or a perpetual half smile to ward off danger. I mean those people that literally glow with it.

You know their secret?

They're doing what they want to.

What we need to do to open those gates to immense possibility – is to be a little more humble and a little more brave.

And do what you want to. What you want to. 

Freaky guy outside my window tonight

Jesus I feel freaked.

I've had a cold, so at 6pm tired out I took a quick nap.

I live alone and my bed in right next to the window facing the street – I woke to hear this deep hearty grunting noise.

Confused and half awake I listened to it – and it felt wrong – there was a crazy tone to it – I pried the blinds open with my fingers and saw somebody out there.

I jumped out of bed and heard the grunting getting heavier and heavier, stronger and stronger until whoever it was climaxed.

I went to the front door and looked out.

There was a huge guy with a white jersey kneeling in the bushes right next to my window.

I bolted the door and got away from the window.

I heard him go around the side of the house so I called the cops – holy hell I gotta say I was freaking a bit.

They took ten minutes to come around but by that time he was gone.

Man, freaking out a bit. I'm jumping at every noise. But all doors are bolted and I'll practice my karate chops or something.

Phew. Scary stuff.

..... um post script to this story.... it ended up being the landlord of the house I'm staying in!.... who was doing exercise! Embarrassment took on a whole new meaning for me.... oh dear. 

Road Trips Cure Heartbreak.

'This is not going to work'

'Oh no, this is definitely not going to work'

(insert expletives)

'Seriously, stop. I don't want to do this with you anymore'

'Fine, then leave'

'I am. Oh God yes I am. Drop me off here'

And he did. He left me standing in a Motel 6 carpark somewhere in Phoenix. A pile of luggage at my feet. His car drew away in an adolescent burn of rubber and I stood there, silently. Watching him retreat into the distance. Then I looked around me at all the bags I'd accumulated on our trip. Then up at the four flights of stairs to the motel reception.

The next day I got a car to get me back to LA.

And then the music kicked in. Oh yeah, the music kicked in.

I jammed everything into the car. Then prepared to move out as the hot sun blared down.

Shades – check.

Ciggies – check.

Snarl – check.

I was ready for it. I tried to drive with a cigarette jutting out of my mouth but the damn thing kept ashing hot ambers onto my face from the open window so I gave that one up. But I was able to find ‘bad to the bone’ on the radio which seemed to suggest my life was complete.

I felt like all those young hopefuls setting off from their tiny towns to become a star in LA. Some making it or not. And even though I wasn’t going to LA to become a star – I felt like one right then. A star in my own head, but a star nonetheless.

I drove through the desert and past big mountain ranges, huge, glowering, folding in over themselves and each other. Cactus spread out and huge lorries trundling along, I passed a lot of camper vans with stickers on the back reading ‘this is the life’.

I felt good. I felt really good.

Me, my bad singing and a couple of packs of cigarettes, that’s all I need in the world right then.

When you hit the peak of a crest going 110 miles per hour, right there on top as you ride over it – you feel like nothing else on earth. Staring down at the valley below you, with mountains protecting you from either side – the sunset blasting at you – the straight open road ahead of you – bare of cars – God it’s a good feeling. You feel like you're the only person on earth. You feel insignificant in the face of such grandness, such beauty, such freedom.

I got to yell out ‘whooo hooo’ whenever I liked and nobody got to look at me like the crazy person I was. Damn yeah. And I also get to doff my imaginary cowboy hat whenever I liked too. I was in heaven.

Heading past the exit for Joshua Tree there is a massive field of electricity generating robots. As far as the eye can see. There’s thousands of them and they are perched like mad sentinels on top of the hilltops to catch the blasts of wind.

The wind is so strong there, it rocks and buffets the cars and you see lighter vehicles struggling to stay on the road. It's the most incredible apocalyptic feeling; these huge robotic arms spinning with all their might in their strange patterns with the massive ragged mountains in the background.

I loved it.

I think I’ve watched too many B grade end-of-the-world the-machines-take-over films. Because I felt like I was smack bang inside my very own movie. It felt like at the end of Terminator when the woman is in her Jeep and she’s heading out into the unknown.

I was on the open road. A family sized ham and pineapple pizza next to me for sustenance, a tank full of gas and a loud stereo. The sun sank as I drove and great swaths of colour zoomed across my windshield. I wasn’t bored, I was on the phone for 2.5 hours to an Indian call centre to cancel a cell phone account that I wasn’t using.

That sort of thing usually sends me into conniptions but out there, the wind in my hair, the vistas zooming past, I actually even enjoyed that. Tell me Ishmael about your sister’s knee operation. Nothing gets you down on the road. Nothing at all. Except for traffic jams. And slow drivers. And trucks who run you off the road.

The thing about a road trip – is that your mind wanders. You think about everything and anything.

Then puff something will bring you back to the drive - catching glimpses of people as you drive past them – singing to lame songs at the top of their voices, banging the steering wheel and grinning. Mmm, my kind of people.

I made up songs as I drove. Until self-censorship kicked in and I'd look around me and gulp a couple of times, forcing a smile to absolutely nobody in particular. Then I'd remember, out here on the road it’s my rules goddamit. I can sing really, (really) badly and nobody could tell me off. It was bliss.

If some bastardo was tailgating me, and he was driving some kind of suv that looks great on the outside but I knew only housed a Chevy engine with no guts. Then my grin slipped into James Dean mode and I'd be like ‘game on bytch. Game on.’

I didn't want to arrive in LA, I wanted my road trip to go on forever and ever.

But when I at last crunched into my friends driveway in Malibu, I felt so refreshed, so excited, so filled with the possibilities of life that I couldn’t keep the grin off my face.

So, next time you find yourself with no place to go - take a roadtrip - Roadtrips really are the perfect cure to find yourself where you last left yourself.  xx